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I Stay, I Go

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28th January 2002

9:20am: A fresh start...
Ok, all of my 'test' entries seem to be present so I guess it's working after all.

I feel as though I started this journal to try to get some questions out. And maybe some answers too. The other day a friend of mine was all breathless as he said, "Wow! College is Cool! I just had a long & v e r y interesting conversation with an 18 yr. old girl!!" He was shocked and grateful. I realized that this IS an amazing event and it's been forever and a day since I've engaged in a long, luxurious & DEEP conversation with ANYone!

Wow - is THAT sad!

I'm always finding myself surrounded by frivolous and s n o r i n g talk and am always scrambling to find a way OUT! I usually disengage altogether. I refuse to waste my time in this way.

2 years ago I did a 10 day vipassana meditation retreat. You sit & meditate 14 hours a day and there is NO TALKING until the tenth day. IT WAS BLISS!! One thing I realized is that 99% of what we say is unnecessary and/or uninteresting. When the tenth day came and they rang the bell which meant talking could now ensue there was this LOUD BURST of CHAOTIC CHATTER that sent me reeeling out the door and into the sweet solitude of the pasture where I sat in the pouring rain happily for an hour away from what was mostly people COMPLAINING about there back or leg pain, etc.

Y'mean I just sat for 10 days and it culminates in THIS?

Thank you field and gliding birds and little slugs and waving magenta grass for being there for me.

You are always my sanctuary...
3:09pm: Just got back from work. I really should be counseling these kids instead of tutoring them. Yes of course it's important for them to learn how to read but it is also important for them to learn to deal with emotions - equally important. And some of these poor kids have no where to turn when, oh say when their step dad has his belt in hand and is lashing it across there slight bent backs. Where do they go with THAT? Some desperately need someone to talk to. And I want that someone to be me.

I know, I know - gotta go to school for that. That's the part that always hold me back. Just feel like I have a full plate now and school would munch heavily on my free time. I don't want to give up any practice time with my drums just now either. I'm just starting to get relaxed, memorized most of the dunun parts for the rhythms I like & play (about 30 - 40) and am delving more & more into the variations & echauffments which spice things up nicely - THEN on into improv land once I have a good foundation. Still working on that.

Maybe school in another year or so...
3:29pm: Favorite quote.
Here's a favorite quote:

"Most people gripe about roses having thorns.
I'm just grateful that thorns have roses."

- Alphonso Karr.

Life would be great if I viewed all the 'thorns' in my life as 'having roses' and starting looking for the little buds.

It's ALL perception honey... This is truly and irrevocably the cause of any happiness or sorrow in our lives. It's in how we perceive things. Which ultimatly means that NOthing outside of ourselves is responsible in any way for our joy or sadness.

But OUR THOUGHTS entirely are.

WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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