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I Stay, I Go


6th April 2002

3:06pm: You know, I've never loved anything as deeply as I love my boyz. But I also love it when they are gone. Then days like today can just unfold naturally, without struggle, without demand, with a simple presence and few desires.

I love being alone.

I need solitude like I need air. I need days when every single move I make is just for me. A raised hand here means I'm reaching for the wooden spoon to stir the delicious green pea soup which is fat with chunks of carrots and potatoes and just-for-me. Another move here means I'm whisking the thick slices of french bread into the warm oven, soon to be bathed in real butter just-for-me.

And too, I can think. I can think in big chunks instead of small hurried stolen bites between shouts of "Mom! It's MY turn now!"

I am pampering myself today. It is one of my favorite things to do. I am basking in

It is how I am renewed.

It's the only way I can survive.
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