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I Stay, I Go


18th April 2002

9:42am: Because this journal will be all that's left when I'm gone....
...and I feel I should write it out here. Like a mark she left because now there's nothing but a hole in my heart....and I'm crying now before I've even begun, and the idea of turning back presents itself and I BARREL THROUGH it co's it's just fear and anguish and it's hard but EVERYTHING worth doing in life is hard....so here we go....

Her name was Kathy Edwards and we were very close. She was younger than me and a bit on the ditsy side but she'd drop everything to help you and she was loving as all hell. She was a party girl - loved her beerz n herb- I think because they helped free her up to where she could be all affectionate and goofy without apology.

I was out riding around aimlessly with Gloria - my ex's sistah. She's a dike, very abrasive, not a good friend but we did have Joey in common so we had to touch bases now & again. She was driving and I was next to her. 2 gay men friends of hers were in the back. Didn't know them. We all had a beer in our hands but no one was visibly drunk - or even slurring yet, just mellow & kickin' it.....cruisin'.

After an hour of this I got horrifically bored.

"Um, Gloria, I'm beat- eh? I got work in the morning and it's almost midnight. Drop me off will ya?"

"Maaaaaaan, you don't have to go noooooow- do ya? sheeeeeeeeiiiit"

"Yea, I'm going N.O.W. Just swing by Kathys' and pick her up if you want to keep it all symmetrical and such. She's always up for a party."

So we veered up to the curb and I got out and ran upstairs. Kathy & Brian were still up, toking and cracking up to Firesign Theatre. I informed K that Gloria, 2 gays (she LOVED gays that one!) and oodles of brew awaited her in the carriage out front. She swept down the stairs, aglow & giggling, and they raced off as I turned the corner to walk the half block home.

At 3 a.m. the phone rings.

It's Lori, a friend who lives around the corner and beneath Kathy.

"Katia..? Katia.....? K-A-T-I-A !!!! KATIA WAKE UP! WAKE UP !!! KATHY'S
D - E - A - D !!!!!"

It never really sank in until I went to the wake. Seeing her lying there so white and peacefully - you'd have never known that they had to rip into the roof of the car to extract her dead limp body. It was almost certain that she died instantly.

And all I could think about, for many, many years to come, was -

"It should have been me."

I think I've finally made my peace with it. I don't blame myself nearly as much as I used to.

It still cuts though,......terribly.
12:37pm: Favorite Quote of the day - HA!:

"If you're going to criticize someone you should first walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away....and you have their shoes."

- unkn.

3:19pm: Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

~The Essential Rumi.

(Next time I'm in the heat of an argument,

I will start to dance....)
5:42pm: I just came across this anonymous quote which, for some twisted reason, I love:

"Lift your skinny fists like antennas to heaven..."

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