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I Stay, I Go

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10th May 2002

9:06am: Which reminds me of the mother who tells her child,
"When you're walking through the graveyard at night
and you see a boogeyman, run at it,
and it will go away."


~Rumi.
9:17am: Well, I thought I could keep my life nice and tidy. Lj over here in box. Real life over here in world. Uh uh. Life is not gracious enough to allow such simplicity. I am being AFFECTED here. I am being pulled off my sedentary ass. I am being compelled to take things up a notch.

YEARS ago, I used to work out. Mostly hand weight stuff. I'd do curls til my arms went rubbery. It had nothing whatsoever to do with fitness. I scoff at 'shoulds', as most of you know. It had EVERYTHING to do with vanity. I felt HOT when I'd look in the mirror and see my toned bulging biceps. I felt TUFF. I turned me ON. I'd wish I was a man so I could screw me silly. Something about toned arms just gets my juices flowing.

Then I got into Buddhism. Very heavily. I took refuge and without a fleeting doubt, I consider myself a Buddhist. So now there's aLOT of talk about EGO and EGO = Bad, bad, bad. And, oh yea, ego = vanity too. Crap. I can't cut a break anymore. So I gave up my desire for rock hard arms and have lead a mostly sedentary life for several years now and my glorious arms have turned to mooshy flab. (I no longer want to screw me - no, no, no no.)

Enter inushnu.

And she is struttin' her stuff and doin' the Judo thang and she's getting all oogly about HER tight self. And I'm all "what's wrong with that?" And "Can I muster up the energy and DESIRE to kick some bicep ass again?"

But.... I'm still on the fence here.

There's something about the shallowness of it all that is gnawing at me a little. Maybe if it could be PARTLY motivated by fitness/well-being concerns - well, I could give it a hardy stamp of approval.

Hear Katia. Hear Katia kidding herself.

I'll have to go see Michael's footage on Africa again. Those woman drummers just made me DROOL - their bodies were PACKED with rippling muscles and YES, Y-E-S!!! THEY LOOKED H-O-T !!!!!

Why the HELL can't that be enough !??
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