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I Stay, I Go


9th July 2002

9:19am: Found out last night that Xti will NOT be performing with us at the Forest fest 7/26 which deLIGHTS me no end co's she really should not be performing these rhythms at ALL anyway. She knows nothing about them and, for me, she brings the whole thing WAAAAY down musically. Then there's the EGO thing. Her ego is of the extra-Large variety and it usurps everything she learns and flaunts it. "Oh YEAH- I know THAT, of COURSE.", only to botch it within seconds and bring the whole thing to a screeching halt...bleh. All the juice I had for this ensemble is slowly getting sucked away...

I realized the other day how much I savor imparting rhythms to Levin since it is his humble HEART that receives them. But when I impart the same knowledge to Xti I cringe because it is her hearty EGO that receives them.

That makes such a HUGE difference to me....

With Xti out of the way for Forest fest my sweet brother Ricardo can step in. (and I fully believe he, above all, has surely earned her spot and deserves to KEEP it. She should be his understudy- in a JUST world.) I have no doubt I will be saying this to her sometime soon co's it is really gnawing at my innards and I just need to be honest here. Whether she steps down or not, I need to SAY it to save my sanity. My mind SCREAMS it whenever I see her. Out of a possible 52 study group sessions last year, Ricardo came to, oh, 48 or so. Xti? Came to 1.

It's not burning inside of her. Step aside and let us DRIVE ON!!!!!!!

**After-thought: Gawd I sound like such a bitch. I cannot express what this music means to me and how deeply it wounds me when others don't give it the reverence it deserves. And out of that yearning and tender-heartedness comes this vehement anger that wants to defend it against anyone's ego, wants to slash through ego, mutilate it, obliterate it and just....adore and bask and pay unceasing respect to these musical gifts from Africa.

But where oh where has my compassion gone??

*shields eyes from sun and cranes head this way & that*

Must let the anger dissolve and allow the sadness to come through and speak from that.

9:13pm: This just in my e-box:

"katia__r, enlarge your penis!!!"

Now wouldn't that be a neat trick ...;)
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