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I Stay, I Go


5th August 2002

5:07pm: It was fine to be alone.

It was quite beautiful & sprouted much growth.

For 5 years I have basked.

But now...

I am lonely.
5:37pm: I think that when a Dr. is getting ready to do that reflex thing with the little mallet on your knee, that he should ask if he can goink it.

That word fits so perfectly there.

The word of the week is skulk.

It feels like 2 marbles in my mouth AND I like the way it looks. Thank goodness they went with the k's. Now you're all going to say it a few times...good. Tell me what it feels like in your mouth.
6:15pm: They have to teach you about mesopotamia, photosynthesis & trigonometry but they teach nothing on how to deal with negative thoughts or emotions.

Is that twisted or what?
6:50pm: So I'm binge posting, sue me. Get outta my way! I'm inspired dammit!!!

So I spent the wknd on the island and at one point I'm sitting next to someone in my tribe and I overhear her going on at length about astrology and how Gemini was in her moon or some such and how that meant this n that and I thought.. why? Why do we have to label? Why don't we just look at the facts? Why don't we just look purely, without preconcieved notions, at what's squarely in front of us? I think all that gobbledeegook just Adds More Filters. And our path would be more meaningful, I feel, if we started to dispense with the filters.


no I did not just say gobbledeegook.
7:33pm: But if I had to pick one Top Highlight of the wknd on the island, it'd be this...

At one point 6 or 8 of us were lounging about outside on benches. Some were eating, some sipping tea or lemonade. Idle chatter wafted around and through me and I half listened, half dreamed. I noticed that Chris was smoking across from me and I thought it odd. I don't know him well but I would not have pegged him a smoker. He wore a long Indian robe that he bought during his 3 mos. stay in Delhi India. And I knew he was very much into eastern philosophy, Buddhism, Hinduism...I guess I just don't think of spiritual seekers as being smokers. The two seem exclusive somehow in my murky ignorance. Anyway, I hear him say,
"So Xti ( pro: 'Ish tea), I'm going back on the wagon next week." "Yea? Gonna give it another whirl, eh?" "Yup.." I chimed in: "Are you talking about cigarettes?" Chris affirmed. I smiled and said "Well I should tell you a little story then." And he came and sat at my knee, keeping his head slightly bowed. I began...

"Y'know, Chris, I smoked for 25 years, 2 packs a day on average, and I quit 3 years ago, the day after my 40th birthday. I decidedly did not want to take that nastiness and slavery into the 2nd half of my life and resolved to quit. I knew I needed ammo so a week before my quit date I went to a Nic Anon mtg. There were only 2 people there and they couldn't have been more UNhelpful. The woman had a bullet in her head and could not recall whether she was on or off the wagon. The man's hands were shaking and, even though he had quit 2 years before, IN MY MIND he was shaking from quitting the snigs. I thought 'jeeez, this is what I'm in for.' But then my eyes fell upon a small pamphlet on the table and I pulled it towards me. The first paragraph utterly changed my Life and Who I Am today. It said: "You are not reaching for a cigarette because you want a cigarette. You are reaching for a cigarette because you want to get rid of that feeling of craving. If you just accept that feeling of craving you will no longer need a cigarette." Oh. My. God. It was dazzling in it's simplicity. It's truth pierced me deeply. I knew it was over. So, on my quit day and for 5 days more every time I got a craving I would open wide to receive it. I would talk with it and say things like "Oh you poor thing, you're craving again and you're suffering and I created you....I'm soo sorry but I'm here now and I'll hold you and cradle you and I'll stay with you until you're gone. You take your time sweety...take your time. I'm here for you..." And as I finished the story I looked down at Chris and saw tears quietly streaming down both sides of his face and the beauty of it was enormous as I said "Oh what a sweetheart you are" and I rubbed his arm lovingly while trying to bear how it moved me so...

That was the Highlight.

But Michael in a tutu is a DAMN close second.
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