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I Stay, I Go


6th August 2002

1:15pm: I feel so tender and broken open. Like a raw wound. I love that feeling.

*wipes tears of sorrowful joy*

(I bet you didn't know that you could feel sorrowful & happy all at once. Well, you can. And it's quite wonderful....)

I received an audio tape from my father today. We are quite estranged and haven't really been in touch consistently since I moved away 12 odd years ago. I maybe hear from him once or twice a year. He sent me a tape of 2 of his musical compositions. The first is entitled "An Anniversary Waltz". He even says it on the tape and my heart lifted to hear his voice and still a wee hint left of his scottish accent. The piece reminds me of Eric Satie; it was soothing & lovely with a tinge of sadness. The 2nd piece was called "Voices from the Dust" A hymn from Ground Zero. It was haunting, mournful & intense, making me relive the pain of it, making me weep each time I hear it. But I love that kind of crying... Something about it was hopeful too. When the voices would rise I could almost believe that the victims were rising too. That a rising could take place from all that devastation. Like a rising must take place. And all the while I felt a great intimacy with my Pop, one that I've never really felt before. It was one of being inside his mind and inside of his essence and hearing the music from that place was incredible.

I always wanted to feel close to him and right now, this minute.. I do.

What a precous gift.

Thanks Pop....xxoo
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