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I Stay, I Go


9th September 2002

10:21am: I spend a lot of time in my bedroom. I sleep in there, I practice my towelled drum in there, I listen to music in there, dream, ponder, read & wrap myself in downy-scented quilted-goodness in there. I love my room, my sanctuary. I have a small bedside table. It's a beautiful soft periwinkle blue and it has 2 drawers with brass engraved knockers for handles. On top, in a warm cherrywood frame, there sits a picture of me as a young girl of, oh.. about 8 or 10? My face is lightly perched between my father's olive-colored cordouroy slippers (he must be in his notorious recliner taking this picture.) One side of my face is bathed in beautiful light pouring in through the window. My eyes are big, loving, curious. There is a slight feel of yearning to my gaze. Yearning to know the man behind the camera. Yearning to feel close to him, to feel loved by him. It is so so moving & exquisite, I look at it alot. I'm not sure why....
11:01am: So where would you want your ashes scattered?

I think I'd want mine buried by the roots of an old Japanese Maple tree, here at the WA Arboretum. I wouldn't mind being a quivering, blazing red leaf someday.
3:16pm: You that come to birth and bring the mysteries,
your voice-thunder makes us very happy.

Roar, lion of the heart,
and tear me open!

~ Rumi

You know, for the longest time I've had this fixation with Lions. I associate strongly with the Lion; their strength, their power, their sheer Might.
Their ability to sleep for mass quantities of time.
As a child, I would daydream about laying under sprawling & gnarly-limbed African trees (Baobabs?) with a pride of Lions. I would still be the human me in the daydream but definitely one of them. I would always lay my head on a soft fluffy mane to sleep. It was the most comforting thought. The only thing I have left from NY, where I was raised, is a large, tattered painting of a Lion. I've dragged that thing across the country for years, to countless dwellings, and will likely not let go of it until it disintegrates. Literally. I cannot be in a relationship with a man unless I perceive him to be a Lion and NOT a mere cub. Oh, don't get me wrong. He can be thin, short, bald, wan and STILL be a Lion. That's unUSUAL but possible. And HA! My very first icon on lj was that of a Lion. I immediately knew that would be the truest representation.

It's all quite curious- innit?

And then there's the growling.. and the scratching.. heh...
6:02pm: Thursday

I have had my dreams--like others--
and it has come to nothing, so that
I remain now carelessly
with feet planted on the ground
and look up at the sky--
feeling my clothes about me,
the weight of my body in my shoes,
the rim of my hat, air passing in and out
at my nose--and decide to dream, no more.

~William Carlos Williams.

I can't decide if this saddens me or exalts me.. ? and I know both are true.
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